Musical Mondays—Keep Your Head Up

Well, as expected, in an attempt to express myself, last Monday's post triggered a maelstrom. I don't think I was being harsh in my post; just trying to convey some the conflict I feel inside. As a result, my mother has decided she doesn't want to speak with me for about 40 years.

Yea.

I fully expected to be shut out for at least a few weeks, not completely disowned. I talked with her earlier last week thinking I'd better call and get what I've got coming to me, only everything was fine. She actually sounded really good. It didn't occur to me she hadn't read the post yet. So, finding her brief email in my inbox yesterday morning was a surprise.

And I'm angry, more than I'm hurt. Because this is the kind of emotional roller coaster I've ridden with her most of my life (granted, it's only become this volatile in recent years), and to avoid setting her off, or to cope with the aftermath, I became really good at compartmentalizing and detaching myself. Only I've been working so hard to stop doing that and my mind won't stop whirling around this whole situation. I want to put it in a box to deal with later.

And then I feel guilty because I'm angry with my mother. Which is really the point, isn't it? The guilt. I mean hell, she's still holding onto (and I'm still apologizing for) something I said to her when I was in the 1st grade—30+ years ago. She's still holding onto the hurt for something her mother said to her when she was 15 or 16. She's still holding onto the feelings of inadequacy her father instilled in her.

And now I mad again. And I don't want to be part of this pattern anymore.

Scoob and I tackled unpacking some of the remaining boxes in the garage last night. Coming across my baby blanket pretty much put an end to that, though. And sending out Mother's Day cards in this morning's mail felt like a farce.

Scoob has suggested I seek therapy. And I think he's right—I can't do this anymore.

(And can I just say…I really, really want to ride the slip-n-slide in this video!)

Keep Your Head Up
Ben Howard

I spent my time watchin'
the spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best
or the scars that come with the greenness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom,
still the seabed wouldn't let me in.
And I tried my best to
embrace the darkness in which I swim.

Now walkin' back down this mountain
with the strength of a turnin' tide.
Oh the wind's so soft on my skin,
the sun so hard upon my side.
Oh lookin' out at this happiness,
I search for between the sheets.
Oh feelin' blind and realize,
All I was searchin' for was me.
Ooh ooh all I was searchin' for was me.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.

I saw a friend of mine the other day,
and he told me that my eyes were gleamin'.
Oh I said I had been away, and he knew,
oh he knew the depths I was meanin'.
And it felt so good to see his face
or the comfort invested in my soul.
Oh to feel the warmth of a smile,
when he said "I'm happy to have you home.
Ooh ooh I'm happy to have you home."

Yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep you hair long.
Oh my my darlin', keep your head up, keep you heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change.

May you find happiness there,
May all your hopes all turn out right.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set, keep you hair long.
Oh my my darlin', keep your head up, keep you heart strong.
No, no, no, no.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change.