Cramptastic

Oh, Dudes. I hate today. But I think the worst thing about today is that I get to relive it every blessed 28 days or so. Oh, the details of the day may be different—it might rain, I may have meetings at work, one (or both) of the cats may puke and leave it for me to clean up—but believe me, it's the same damn day every time.

All I really care about is keeping Midol in my system and figuring out where the next piece of chocolate is coming from. Many kudos to my boss for choosing today to bring brownies to the editorial meeting. You have no idea how many lives you saved today.

Surprisingly though, my mood was rather mellow. I might even say it was serene. Might. But no one's life was in danger and no co-workers were harmed in the making of today's cramptastic post.

Okay, so there's one other thing I care about on days like today—keeping certain unstoppable forces of nature as quiet and undetectable as possible. And you know, sometimes that just ain't possible.

The first thing Scoob says to me this morning isn't "Good Morning" or "Hey, Sunshine" but "My god you've been making some fierce whale noises all morning." Thanks, hon. (Usually he's sensitive enough to blame it on the cats.) Because "whale noise" is Scoob's ever-not-so-delicate way of referring to this unstoppable force of nature. And it's no whale song.

Okay, are we clear, here? That's right. Toot. Gas. Fart. Break wind. Cut the cheese. Rip one. (Am I leave out your favorite?) Dudes, this day always comes with mad gas. Thankfully, period farts don't stink. It's the one time when silent but deadly doesn't apply. Usually. Ladies, you can can back me up on this, right?

Ladies?

*crickets chirping*

Fine. Anyhow, most of my day was spent on the first 2 things while trying not to seriously embarrass myself with the 3rd. And that's when I read this headline—"Fastest Wind" record broken on the Yahoo home page.

Well clearly they haven't been standing behind me.

Anyhow, it made me laugh. Which made me really rip one. At the office. Did I mention I've had beans the last few days? Musical fruit, beans. Thankfully this cramptastic day is almost over.

***I don't know which is more disturbing, that I looked for fart euphemisms… or that I found them… or that I'm telling you about this at all. BTW, for my money, barking spiders was the best one I saw,best being entirely subjective.