Monday, November 9, 2009

I Did It—Now What?

So I was wrong on Saturday when I said I wasn't terribly upset about being rude to my neighbor. I was extremely upset at the way I conducted myself. I went over to the neighbor's unit this evening after work and apologized for my behavior on Saturday. In person and with a card. The card was my back-up in case I didn't catch them at home. He apologized as well, which wasn't what I was going for because he was just reacting to some strange woman who had knocked on his door and began yelling at him. But he was gracious and I'm still very, very embarrassed. Not one of my shining moments, people.

I had a lot of time to think about it and am still trying to figure out why I behaved the way I did. I asked myself if when he opened the door and I saw he was Indian/Pakistani/Afghan if I somehow thought that made it okay to disrespect him. I don't believe so because the behavior started when I pounded on his door before he opened it and before I knew his nationality.

I asked myself what my motivations were for wanting apologize. Was it to make myself feel better or because I was truly remorseful? If the roles were reversed, and someone had come to my home out of the blue, pounded on my door and began yelling at me, would I want the other person to apologize?

I'm asking myself if there is a larger issue that I may need help with, like anger management, stress management, or something else. I usually consider myself non-confrontational and passive, but at some point all the little things that bother me that I don't say something about at the time build up and I just snap. Mom thinks I may just need help standing up for myself earlier before I get to that point where I snap.

And then there's the whole hormonal thing. I'm pretty sure I've entered that whole perio-menopause stage, even though I still try to deny it. But try as I might, let's face it, my body and everything about it has been changing.

Anyhow, I'm glad that I went over and apologized in person. He seemed glad that I did and I'm just relieved he didn't slam the door in my face.

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